Beginners Guide to Talking Dirty Virtually or IRL

All you need is a little confidence, a willing partner (or two!), and this dirty talk guide.

Consent and respect are key

You might say:

  • “I just woke up from a really sexy dream about us. Can I tell you about it?”
  • “I’m going to crawl into bed and pleasure myself. Do you have any interest in dirty talking with me while I do?”
  • “I can’t stop thinking about last night… do you want to hear about it from my perspective?”
  • “I’m in a ~mood~ if you know what I mean. Are you open to exchanging some R-rated texts?”
  • “Sometimes during sex, I have quite the dirty mouth. Before we keep going I just want to see how you feel about that. Do you enjoy dirty talking during sex?”

The start of a conversation is also a good time to exchange any no-fly trigger words.

Discuss what the dirty talk will entail to make sure it’s within everyone’s established boundaries and desires, explains Harris.

For example, maybe in your opinion “soft” is a compliment, but your partner hears it as a criticism of their weight. Or maybe you enjoy being called a “slut” during sex, but the request to call you such pulls your partner out of the moment.

“Basically you want to negotiate dirty talk ahead of time just like you’d negotiate any other sex,” she says.

Here’s what that could look like:

Confidence 101

“Everyone is nervous when it comes to sex, at least some of the time,” says Harris. “Even though it can feel tricky to pull off at first, confidence is key.”

And if you don’t have it yet, fake it ‘til you make it. Here’s how.

Be enthusiastic

No matter what else you’re feeling, lead with enthusiasm.

“Showing enthusiasm for what you’re doing and for the person you’re with can help people feel wanted and desired,” says Harris.

And if they feel desired? They’ll be more likely to help you feel that same feeling.

Plus, “it’ll likely lead the person you’re with to become brave and say or try new things too,” she says. Win-win!

Don’t overthink it!

Can you come up with an elaborate fantasy featuring handcuffs, a fire-breathing dragon, and a multi-orgasmic sex sesh? Sure, if that’s the kind of verbal hanky- panky you and your partner have agreed on.

Learn more

You can also just describe what you’re doing or what you wish you were doing!

“Describe everything using all five senses,” says Harris. “What are you seeing, feeling, hearing, smelling? Share that!”

Make sounds

If you’re together in person or exchanging audio notes, make noise!

An “mmm,” “oh baby,” or similar moan-inspired sound will encourage your partner to continue what they’re saying or doing.

Ask questions

Another option when you get stuck is to ask your partner a question.

For example:

  • “Hmm, and what would you like me to do back to you?”
  • “Is that what you want? Tell me more.”
  • “Yeah? What would you do next?”
  • “And then what?”

If you’re texting

Over text, as opposed to IRL, you have the gift of time. Time to draw out the sexperience, and time to get creative in what you say.

Combine the below sexting examples to craft the sexiest virtual sex convo you or your partner(s) have ever had.

If you’re into voice memos or on the phone

Upgrading your sexting session with your voice? Call on these one-liners to sound like a phone sex operator (aka a dirty talking professional)!

Trust, your boo won’t know what hit ‘em.

If you’re video chatting

The first step of good video sex, according to Harris, is setting the scene.

“Spend some time on your environment. How’s your lighting? How are your angles working? Light a candle or two,” she says. “This will help get you and your partners in the mood.”

Once you’ve done that, use these lines to get started.

If you’re in person

What you say will depend on whether you’re able to be ~physically intimate~ in the moment or not.

If you need more inspiration

For even more inspo, Harris recommendswatching some R-rated films, reading erotica, or listening to some ~suggestive~ podcasts.

“Sometimes it’s easier to get started when the ideas are coming from an outside source,” she says.

If you’re looking for a free option, check out the My Dad Wrote a Porno podcast.

You might also check to see if your local library has access to any of the media available for purchase below:

  • “The L Word: Generation Q,” season 1, episode 4
  • “The Lucky One,” starring Zac Efron, Taylor Schilling, and Jay R. Ferguson
  • “The Shape Of Water,” starring Sally Hawkins, Michael Shannon, and Richard Jenkins
  • “Diary of a Sexual Submissive: A Modern True Tale of Sexual Awakening” by Sophie Morgan
  • “To Italy With Love” by Fiona Zedde
  • “Behrouz Gets Lucky” by Avery Cassell
  • “The Boss” by Abigail Barnette
  • “No Limits” by Lori Foster
  • “The Club” by A.L. Brooks

Another option is to practice dirty talking with a robot known as Slutbot. Generated by Juicebox, an app that offers personalized sex and relationship coaching and advice, Slutbot is available 24/7 for sexting sessions.

If you’re in the United States or Canada, text “SLUTBOT” to 415-212-6448 to get started. (FYI: Standard messaging rates apply).

If you’re outside the United States or Canada, you can chat with Slutbot on Messenger by texting “SLUTBOT.”

If you think you ‘messed up’ or just aren’t feeling it

No biggie!

Just communicate exactly what happened or what you’re feeling and ask for what you want (or need) to happen next.

The bottom line

Congrats, you’ve made it to the end of this dirty talk lesson and passed with flying colors.

Next up: Testing out your R-rated chops. Good luck, Lovers!

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